I’m not talking battery acid, toxins, or grapefruit juice. I’m talking psychedelics here. And I’ve long believed that every now and then, it’s been slipped into D.C.’s water supply.
The notion first hit while I watched the Clarence Thomas Supreme Court nomination hearings. Wasn’t surprised he was ultimately nominated (despite my respect and belief in Anita Hill), but when senator after senator took to network television to use their senatorial, stentorian tones to speechify about “pubic hairs on coke cans” and Long Dong Silver over and over again there was simply no rational explanation why they would do that to themselves. Even Democrats–especially in prime time. Blew my mind. The only thing I never understood was why there’s no Best of the Hearings video. It would sell more than all the Spring Break movies combined.
There was only one explanation; acid in the water supply.
It happened again when the House of Representatives decided to hold impeachment hearings against Bill Clinton. I’ve never been a real fan of Big Bill, but watching Congress go through months focused on blowjobs, dicks that lean to the left and despoiled dresses while ignoring issues that actually had something to do with governing, locked and loaded my belief that D.C. had a monopoly on LSD.
Well, I was wrong. Some subversive brought the acid to Florida.
On October 8, 2011, The Boston Globe reported that a Florida legislator, Representative Ritch Workman, has introduced a bill to repeal a ban on “Dwarf-tossing.”
For those unfamiliar with the term or game, it apparently consists of dressing Little People into light weight protective gear so men in bars can take turns seeing who can throw them the farthest. Although Representative Workman (who has the right name) won’t call his legislation a “jobs bill,” he does make the point that lifting the ban may put a few people to work. According to the Globe, although Workman agrees that the practice is “offensive” and “stupid,” he thinks the ban keeps willing projectiles from gainful employment. “If this is a job they want and people would pay to see it or participate in it, why in the world would we prohibit it?”
Now before my Ron and Rand Paul friends jump to Workman’s defense, let me explain why this is an acid-in-the-water-supply proposal. I mean, The Right likes to talk about slippery slopes with regard to gun laws, let’s look at the grade of slope here.
Why not “whack a head?” Folks of any height can wear a protective helmet and be gainfully employed, popping up from one side of the bar while those on the other side try to beam them with hammers.
Why not “water sports?” I guarantee there’s a larger audience for that than Dwarf-tossing. I mean if two consenting adults want to tinkle on each other in a public setting for pay, why deny them the right to earn a living?
Why not “bestiality?” It’s certainly not unheard of in the U.S., so why shouldn’t someone get paid if there are people who want to watch? Not exactly a “jobs bill,” but it could put a few good men and women to work. Actually none of these proposals, including Dwarf-tossing are gender specific.
Worse, from where I sit, damn near every Republican has been sipping the acid. Isn’t the issue to find jobs for Little People and “the little people” of our country rather than giving more money to the rich who already have jobs or don’t need them? Then they call those folks, “job creators,” rather than “lay-offers,” which they’ve actually been doing to protect their own wealth and profits.
But hey, I’ve used acid and I understand how easy it is to come up with great ideas while you’re tripping. Hell, a group of us once spent an entire evening trying to enlist Hubert Humphrey’s wife to talk him into moving in with us for a month so he could better understand what young people were thinking.
Problem here, these aren’t young people tripping. These are people in power, who create laws, regulate industries, eviscerate environmental laws, and generally make it more, not less, difficult for people to get by. And damn near impossible for poor people to have anything but a shadow life.
So I say to those reps in Florida who will eventually vote on Dwarf-tossing–STOP DRINKING THE FUCKING WATER!
I understand that Amerika has a fascination for circuses, but let’s try to keep the freak shows under the Big Top.
This land is your land and this land is my land, sure, but the world is run by those that never listen to music anyway. Bob Dylan