I.M. WITH MOM

Next up during my recovery month (which is going well) is Harry K.  Enjoy!

 

K.: I just met with a career prostitute.

M: Oh my goodness!

K.: She talked to me for three hours about her experiences.

M: Another chapter for your “chick lawyer” book?

K.: Probably. I’ve been thinking about chapter headings. Maybe one could be, “Harry, what should I wear to Court?”

M: I remember thinking it needed more chapters.

K.: Or another, “Harry, will you buy me some cigarettes?”

M: Good…! Keep thinking!

K.: “Harry, am I going to jail?”

M: Yes!

K.: These are the common questions and many anecdotes flow from these.

M: I can only imagine.

K.: The prostitute’s stories were amazing.

M: Yes, I’ll bet, and think of the ones she did NOT tell you.

K.: She was arrested for indecent exposure once because she was wearing a very tight cat suit. She represented herself.

M: Did she win?

K.: She stood up at her arraignment and said to the judge,…

M: Male or female judge?

K.: Male. So she said…

M: Suspense is killing me!

K.: “Your honor, you see anything indecent about me?”

M: Lol.

K.: She also told the judge, “I’m from New York, and this is how we dress, and when I drove over the border, I saw a sign about not having any guns, but I didn’t see nuthin ’bout no dress code!!”

M: ROFL!

K.: Yea, I liked that one a lot. She won, too. Case dismissed at arraignment.

M: Good for her.

K.: She stabbed a guy once, too.

M: Such talent…wasted on johns.

K.: Apparently the cops knew her well enough to know that she was justified.

M: Self defense?

K.:  Yea.

M: What else have you been up to?

K.: Well, I went to the jail to visit a couple of my guys recently.

M: I bet they’re not as interesting.

K.: They have some amazing stories too, but that prostitute was pretty remarkable.

M: Yes, I can tell.

K.: One of my guys has a tendency to use a lot of malapropisms. He said he had a “pleflora” of papers.

M: Not a malapropism exactly.

K.: No, but cute. Another time he said something about “racial epitaphs.” And he said that the cab of his truck vibrated and “cogitated like a washer/dryer.”

M: I see that for all intensive porpoises he was still able to get his point across…

K.: Despite the flaw in his ointment…

M: Did you insure him that you would profligate him through the lecherous waters of the system?

K.: Yes, yes! He’s been hanging around in libido for so long that any progress will make him extantic! The prosecutor is venomously opposed to a dismal of the case!

M: Stop stop!! Lol!

K.: By the way, he injured his onus.

M: ROFL!

K.: Anyway, back to the jail. I was surprised by the number of unsupervised children playing just outside the doors. It was dark out.

M: How old were they?

K.: Well, I’m no good with that, not having had any myself….

M: Yes. Big disappointment.

K.: Sigh. I’d say they were maybe eight or nine years old.

M: Were the guards watching them?

K.: No, not even the guards seemed to notice them. It was downright Dickensian.

M: Did the kids notice you?

K.: Yes, they immediately stopped sliding down the rails and running in circles to rush up to me to say hello!

M: Cute!

K.: Yes, but weird. Anyway, I had some serious trouble with the metal detector.

K.: Yes, but weird. Anyway, I had some serious trouble with the metal detector.

K.: I did get in finally – I’ve gotten pretty good at navigating the process – getting the right clipboard of forms – lining up the grooves in the locker tokens with the nubs in the locks – -figuring out how to switch off between walking shoes and high heeled shoes and such.

M: So what happened with the metal detector?

K.: The underwire bra phenomenon!

M: Oh dear.

K.: Yea, no visible metal on me anywhere – rings, off; glasses off; watch, off. Annoying buzz nevertheless.

M: How did you figure out it was your bra?

K.: The dreaded WAND detector! Silent over the legs, silent down the arms, silent over the back, BEEP BEEP BEEP over the breasts!  Cripes.

M: Well, you know, you don’t really need to wear a bra…

K.: Yes, Mother.

M: We’ll have to figure a way to work it into the chick lawyer book.

K.: That should be easy. If I ever get around to writing it…

M: How is music going? Are you going to start your own band some time?

K.: Nah.

M: Even go on the road?

K.: Nah.

M: You could get preggers!

K.: Sigh.

M: Well, Em, I really don’t know how you do it all [admire, admire]. I’m glad to know it’s my daughter who is being one of the GOOD ones, giving lawyers a GOOD name for a change.

K.: Awww, thanks, Mom. I love you!

M: I love you, too.

K.: Later.

M: Later.

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