Next up during my recovery month (which is going well) is Harry K. Enjoy!
K.: I just met with a career prostitute.
M: Oh my goodness!
K.: She talked to me for three hours about her experiences.
M: Another chapter for your “chick lawyer” book?
K.: Probably. I’ve been thinking about chapter headings. Maybe one could be, “Harry, what should I wear to Court?”
M: I remember thinking it needed more chapters.
K.: Or another, “Harry, will you buy me some cigarettes?”
M: Good…! Keep thinking!
K.: “Harry, am I going to jail?”
M: Yes!
K.: These are the common questions and many anecdotes flow from these.
M: I can only imagine.
K.: The prostitute’s stories were amazing.
M: Yes, I’ll bet, and think of the ones she did NOT tell you.
K.: She was arrested for indecent exposure once because she was wearing a very tight cat suit. She represented herself.
M: Did she win?
K.: She stood up at her arraignment and said to the judge,…
M: Male or female judge?
K.: Male. So she said…
M: Suspense is killing me!
K.: “Your honor, you see anything indecent about me?”
M: Lol.
K.: She also told the judge, “I’m from New York, and this is how we dress, and when I drove over the border, I saw a sign about not having any guns, but I didn’t see nuthin ’bout no dress code!!”
M: ROFL!
K.: Yea, I liked that one a lot. She won, too. Case dismissed at arraignment.
M: Good for her.
K.: She stabbed a guy once, too.
M: Such talent…wasted on johns.
K.: Apparently the cops knew her well enough to know that she was justified.
M: Self defense?
K.: Yea.
M: What else have you been up to?
K.: Well, I went to the jail to visit a couple of my guys recently.
M: I bet they’re not as interesting.
K.: They have some amazing stories too, but that prostitute was pretty remarkable.
M: Yes, I can tell.
K.: One of my guys has a tendency to use a lot of malapropisms. He said he had a “pleflora” of papers.
M: Not a malapropism exactly.
K.: No, but cute. Another time he said something about “racial epitaphs.” And he said that the cab of his truck vibrated and “cogitated like a washer/dryer.”
M: I see that for all intensive porpoises he was still able to get his point across…
K.: Despite the flaw in his ointment…
M: Did you insure him that you would profligate him through the lecherous waters of the system?
K.: Yes, yes! He’s been hanging around in libido for so long that any progress will make him extantic! The prosecutor is venomously opposed to a dismal of the case!
M: Stop stop!! Lol!
K.: By the way, he injured his onus.
M: ROFL!
K.: Anyway, back to the jail. I was surprised by the number of unsupervised children playing just outside the doors. It was dark out.
M: How old were they?
K.: Well, I’m no good with that, not having had any myself….
M: Yes. Big disappointment.
K.: Sigh. I’d say they were maybe eight or nine years old.
M: Were the guards watching them?
K.: No, not even the guards seemed to notice them. It was downright Dickensian.
M: Did the kids notice you?
K.: Yes, they immediately stopped sliding down the rails and running in circles to rush up to me to say hello!
M: Cute!
K.: Yes, but weird. Anyway, I had some serious trouble with the metal detector.
K.: Yes, but weird. Anyway, I had some serious trouble with the metal detector.
K.: I did get in finally – I’ve gotten pretty good at navigating the process – getting the right clipboard of forms – lining up the grooves in the locker tokens with the nubs in the locks – -figuring out how to switch off between walking shoes and high heeled shoes and such.
M: So what happened with the metal detector?
K.: The underwire bra phenomenon!
M: Oh dear.
K.: Yea, no visible metal on me anywhere – rings, off; glasses off; watch, off. Annoying buzz nevertheless.
M: How did you figure out it was your bra?
K.: The dreaded WAND detector! Silent over the legs, silent down the arms, silent over the back, BEEP BEEP BEEP over the breasts! Cripes.
M: Well, you know, you don’t really need to wear a bra…
K.: Yes, Mother.
M: We’ll have to figure a way to work it into the chick lawyer book.
K.: That should be easy. If I ever get around to writing it…
M: How is music going? Are you going to start your own band some time?
K.: Nah.
M: Even go on the road?
K.: Nah.
M: You could get preggers!
K.: Sigh.
M: Well, Em, I really don’t know how you do it all [admire, admire]. I’m glad to know it’s my daughter who is being one of the GOOD ones, giving lawyers a GOOD name for a change.
K.: Awww, thanks, Mom. I love you!
M: I love you, too.
K.: Later.
M: Later.