I’d planned to watch the show until the bitter end while sifting through the #OSCAR tweets for today’s post.  Well, I still plan to sift and winnow-but it won’t be ’til the bitter end.  My head would have exploded and then you’d get no tweets and I wouldn’t have a column.  So, these tweets finish after Christopher Plummer’s Award.  I really did try

 

THE RUNWAY:

@Ethan_Anderton: “Let the next five hours crawl by!”

@tinch: “We’re still here with people entering a building.”

@lizzwinstead: “As bad as these red carpet questions are, they are better than John King during the debates.”

@dustinj: “The best dressed at our house tonight will be our 3 kids in clean pajamas after bath time.”

@james_priya: “Here is Sacha Baron Cohen as The Dictator spilling Kim Jong-il’s “ashes” on Ryan Seacrest.”

@shutupbuck: “That awkward moment when Melanie Griffin tries to snort ashes off Ryan Seacrest’s jacket.”

@GailPennington: “Big mushroom buns on top of women’s heads. No.”

@michael_epps: “All of these borrowed jewels. Not impressed. Elizabeth Taylor, and the old Hollywood stars rocked their own bling.”

@swish: “Why is a Brit doing Red Carpet interviews on ABC? Brits should steal our difficult acting roles, not superficial small talk roles.”

@waitwait: “Colin Firth’s wife’s dress looks like it was designed to catch food that falls out of your mouth. This is a dress we need.”

@barbarachai: “Nick Nolte kills me. “If I knew what you said, I’d be able to answer you.””

Capricecrane: “The only thing sadder than being 2nd choice host tonight is everyone’s telling Billy Crystal to break a “hip” instead of a “leg.””

@pourmecoffee: “Billy Crystal may be a little late. He’s coming all the way from the 80’s.”

Josh Hara @yoyoha: “who’s that?” – best follow up question to “who are you wearing?”

@LizB: “My first outfit change! eberjey pajamas, purple with pink trim. the 2010 collection.”

@LouisPeitzman: “Really grateful to Glenn Close for bringing matronly chic back.”

Imogen Lloyd Webber@illoydwebber: “Nothing like a “red carpet” show to remind one that actors need writers.”

@DamienFahey: “Every Oscars red carpet interview is as graceful as running into someone you kind of know at the supermarket.”

@SteveHuff: “We’ll all be happy children in the sun again when this is over, right? “I was lying in a burned-out basement…””

 

THE OSCARS:

@BorowitzReport: “If a black-and-white silent film wins Best Picture it will give hope to surveillance cameras everywhere.”

@seanoconnz: “Billy Crystal is sitting through a power point presentation about who now works in Hollywood since he stopped working 13 years ago.”

@hulu: “Take a drink if you’ve got Sammy Davis Jr. and Justin Bieber making a Hitler joke in your Oscars drinking game.”

@alyssabereznak: I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the music is drowning out billy crystal’s voice.”

@slackmistress: “Oscar gift bags this year include a week-long trip to the Catskills, a Viagra prescription and a selection of hard candies.”

@Zap2itRick (about the winner): “I did not know Gregg Allman had a second career as a cinematographer.”

@SteveDahlShow (about the winner): “I bet that cinematographer gets REALLY good pot!”

@DougBenson: “Billy Crystal is at Octavia Spencer’s seat, begging her to do some one armed push-ups when she wins.”

@tohoscope: “Is it me or is Billy Crystal looking more and more like Bela Lugosi?”

@StevenAmiri: “In case you were wondering, Billy Crystal is old and Jewish.”

@lizzwinstead: “Guess Jennifer Lopez thought this was The Golden Globes.”

CJ Werleman@rationalists: “I can see Jennifer Lopez’s nipples. They taste like TV screen.”

@chrisburlingame: “A film from Iran just won an Academy Award as Rick Santorum throws together some ill-conceived talking points.”

@dbrauer: “Think any Republican presidential candidate will rip the Academy for the Iranian film beating the Israeli one?”

@NotBillWalton: “Responsibilities of Oscar volunteers: Fill empty seats, direct traffic in the aisles, and remind Nick Nolte that he’s still on Earth.”

@DamienFahey: “If you miss the Oscars, catch up on the show by heading to the nearest Home Depot and staring at a beige paint swatch for 3 hours.”

@MarinaGipps: “Every year I’ve watched #oscars i kind of felt like these people were gollum & whatever unlikely award was “my precious”…”

@AntDeRosa@KeithOlbermann: “This is the WORST EPISODE of Downton Abbey EVER.”

@DeathAndTaxes: “Is Cirque Du Soliel what it’s like to be French and on acid at the same time?”

@brentalfloss: “And that’s what you do when you fall off of another man’s upside-down-feet on live national television.”

@LaurelSnyder: “This is the part where they dangle Chris Rock in front of us, and we laugh, before we trudge back to Billy Crystal.”

@JillMorris: “I think Hollywood is still too depressed about Heath Ledger to focus.”

@PhilCokesBrain: “People introducing the people who introduce people to make a speech makes Tony LaRussa’s bullpen usage seem normal.”

@bengreenman: “If Hugo picks up some major awards along with this tech-award sweep, will the headline be “Huge-O”?”

@vulture: “You’re only two years older than me, darling. Where have you been all my life?” Plummer to his Oscar.

@DougBenson: “I have a plumber named Christopher Actor.”

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.- George Carlin