By Zachary Klein

It’s that time of year when your intrepid pop culture reporter slogs through the worldwide tweets that strike his fancy. Perhaps you believe this is a simple walk through the words, but I beg to differ. I will, on your behalf, watch E’s Red Carpet show *and* the Golden Globe Awards until the back of my head explodes. During that bout of masochism I’ll also subject myself to the general public’s bon mots and share them with my loyal readers.

Comments are welcome, but a simple “thanks” will suffice. Now, onto the…

APPETIZERS FOR THE RED CARPET

A.D.A.83 ‏@doyinspeaks  It’s so great to see @KellyOsbourne hosting again!! She looks great.

(Zach: I’da preferred Ozzie.)

@jjbrun48 have you started drinking? is it red carpet time?

(Zach: Yes and no.)

Leslie Lamont ‏@FabuLeslie: Anyone want to dress up for the #GoldenGlobes so excited!!

(Zach: I am. Sweatpants, sweatshirt, and fleece socks and slippers. Told you this wasn’t gonna be easy!)

Lindsay O. ‏@adifferentface: Hearing from @redcarpet that Emma Stone’s last fitting was at 10pm last night makes my stomach flutter!

(Zach: Makes me think someone played binge/purge.)

ADAM BEXTEN ‏@ADAMBEXTEN : E! begins it “Live Countdown to the Oscars!” Coverage tonight 90 minutes after the #GoldenGlobes!

(Zach: Shoot me now. Please, please, please!)

Rosie ‏@rosie_trujillo: My whole day is going to be devoted to the #GoldenGlobes

(Zach: Apparently so is most of mine.)

FiftyShadesOfBW ‏@fiftyshadesofBW : They just mentioned Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson as the most anticipated couple on the red carpet tonight!

(Zach: Wow! Now, who the hell are they?)

THE RED CARPET:

Carrie Cornish ‏@CarrieCornish: People are already on the red carpet and I don’t have my foil ready!

(Zach: You’re welcome to use the one perched on my head.)

Sarah Blodgett ‏@sarahblodgett: So great that Roseamund Pike is walking the carpet in spite of needing a sling for both boobs.

(Zach: You’re on your own with this one.)

Aurora ‏@CitizenScreen : The way they’re describing momentous #RedCarpet moments coming up I feel I should have a cigarette ready.

(Zach: Smoke ’em if you got ’em!)

shauna ‏@goldengateblond : Giuliana Rancic is wearing a diamond ring that weighs more than she does and has eaten more recently.

Jane ‏@criticjane: I think I just lost 20 IQ points, listening to Ryan Seacrest.

(Zach: Just twenty?  My I.Q. just hit bicycle seat status. )

 ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!!!

@MichelleSaunds ‏@MichelleSaunds #RobinWright And #BenFoster: Spark Reconciliation Rumors http://j.mp/1sntr0h

(Zach: My world is spinning!)

Beth Ellis ‏@FillmoreGirlSF: What. Did. Kevin. Spacey. Do. To. Himself.

(Zach: Nip & Tuck.)

NY Daily News Gossip ‏@NYDNgossip: While we wait for the #GoldenGlobes to begin, here’s a look at the show’s most shocking wardrobe malfunctions http://nydn.us/1B6xccp

(Zach: They call it ‘mal’?)

ATWYSingle ® ‏@ATWYSingle: Love host Ryan nearly pushes Channing Tatum down the steps to get to Clooney.

(Zach: Seems right to me.)

Miriam Ramirez ‏@MiriYum: If the gloves don’t fit you must acquit. #mrsclooney

josh lewis ‏@thejoshl: jennifer aniston just slapped kate hudson’s ass. the party is underway.

(Zach: “Let me in wee ooh, wee ooh!”)

Twenty York Street ‏@20YS: New category? =) which will win “Most Undernourished”? Going to be a lot of competition in this category.

jennifer ?@afterxjennifer the Transparent people mentioned Leelah Alcorn in their thank you speech aw  #goldenglobes

(Zach: Very cool!)

Abby B ?@1AbbyRoad: John legend looks like a baby. But a hot baby. #GoldenGlobes

(Zach: If you like hot babies. I think they always look like old men.)

RTunes ?@RTunes68
Why are award winners always out of breath? Doesn’t seem like much of a cardio workout from their seats to the podium onstage.

(Zach: Hey, I’m heavy breathing just trying to keep my eyes open.)

Kate Monto ?@KMontoPronto: “Now there’ s my kind of guy– he brings his drink on stage.” -My 90 year old grandmother, referring to Ricky Gervais at the #GoldenGlobes

(Zach: My kind of woman!)

Kiara Provenzano ‏@Kiara_Pro: The fact that these celebrities can drink during the awards really makes this show worthy 3 hours.

(Zach: For them maybe. )

Harneet Singh ‏@Harneetsin: And Jesus made Jared Leto because he couldn’t be in Hollywood on all days.

Casey Bellerose ‏@CFBellerose: Jeffrey Tambor’s dedication to the transgender community was truly beautiful. Much respect, Bluth.

(Zach: Trudat!)

Christine Beidel ‏@msseriously: Is the AC busted in the ballroom? Or is it too much booze? Everyone is fanning themselves!

(Zach: Fan me, please! I’m fainting.)

Camila Castro T. ‏@CamilaCastroT: “You have the globes too.” JAJAJA oookkkkkk  (Re: J, Lo)

Nilsson Garcia ‏@NilssonGarcia: “Finally someone said something about my boobs” – J.Lo after Jeremy Renner’s comment.

(Zach: Yep.)

Melinda Green ‏@greenmelinda: I like Hollywood awards shows because they make being a woman your mid-40s look like, the most gorgeous best thing EVER

(ZACH: They ARE!!!)

ConsiderOurKnowledge ‏@ConsiderOurKnow: Clooney is just a class act. But his fly was open.

Zach: Well, the Bulldog below says it all. Six hours of this mishigas deserves an award. If any of you have tweets, something to say, or just want to beat the press, please feel free. If some of you smiled, well, the six was worth it. And remember, I *will* don my fedora for the Oscars. Goodnight and good luck.